


Patopia?

by DancouMaryuu



Series: Zeeplabor - The Mobile Police [5]
Category: Kidou Keisatsu Patlabor | Mobile Police Patlabor
Genre: April Fools' Day, Gen, Humor, self-deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 02:09:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18306026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DancouMaryuu/pseuds/DancouMaryuu
Summary: A spectre is haunting Special Vehicles Second Section Division 2... namely, who in their right minds would write Disney fanfiction of them?!





	Patopia?

**Author's Note:**

> Happy April Fools, folks!
> 
> I've now embarked on rewriting the first two serials of Zeeplabor, so it may be a while before we see anything more. Hopefully this will be enough to tide you over until then!

Noa Izumi slurped on her microwave ramen, before her peripheral vision caught Asuma Shinohara staring at her from the corner of the room.

Noa didn't know what to make of this look. It looked as though her backup was trying to find something on her.

"Is there something in my hair?" Noa finally snapped.

"No…?" said Asuma, jarred a little by Noa's outburst.

"He's looking for rabbit ears," said sandy-haired Lieutenant Takeo Kumagami, without taking her eyes off her book.

Noa's hands flew up to her brown hair. No, nothing there… "…Why?"

Asuma sighed. "Captain Gotoh asked Kumagami and me if any of us were writing _Zootopia_ fanfiction."

" _Zootopia_?" Noa tilted her head. What were they on about now?

"You know, that Disney movie?" muttered Kumagami. "Anyway, some idiot decided to make a _Zootopia_ fanfiction that put some of the cast in Patlabors – Ingrams to be specific."

"In _growls_ ," said Asuma, sitting down beside Noa and tilting his chair back. "Apparently everything _Zootopia_ has to have some kind of punny animal name. Names that only work in English to boot…"

"Not much of a fox person, are you?" piped up Mikiyasu Shinshi, adjusting his glasses.

"Fox person?" said Noa, absolutely puzzled.

"Wait, you read it?!" said Asuma, staring at Shinshi.

"Yeah…" sighed Shinshi, staring into his own microwave noodles. "Who do you think told the Captain?"

"Why'd you tell him?" said Kumagami.

"Tamiko found it first," groaned Shinshi. "She wanted me to get the Captain to sue for defamation or something."

"Defamation?!" roared a voice, and the entire room turned to find black haired, big-chinned Isao Ohta stomping into the room. "Who is it this time?!"

Asuma sighed. "Just some stupid fanfic writer. Anyway, it'd never stand up in court. The characters aren't meant to be us."

"We don't know that!" barked Ohta. "What is this 'fan-fick' anyway?!"

The entire room was silent as Division 2 realized that Ohta didn't know what a fanfiction was.

In the end, Kumagami stood up and walked Ohta out of the room. "Here, let me explain…"

As they departed, Noa turned to Shinshi. "Why would your wife think those characters are meant to be us?"

"She thought the beaver character was a bit close to home," muttered Shinshi, staring at his cluttered desk. "She said 'there's no way my Shin- _chan_ is anything like that loser beaver who barely gets any lines'." Shinshi looked up to the hulking form of Hiromi Yamazaki. "I don't chew on popsicle sticks, do I?"

"They're craft sticks…" Hiromi murmured sheepishly.

"I think that's more the beaver than you," said Asuma, twirling a pencil in his hand. "Beavers like to chew wood, don't they? Besides, I think you're all overblowing it. There's no way these characters are meant to be us."

"You're only saying that because you got a canon character as your guy, Shinohara," muttered Shinshi darkly.

"Canon character?" said Noa. This discussion was losing her fast.

"A character from the original source material," said Asuma. "Anyway, I don't think-"

"Tamiko says _I_ should've been Nick Wilde," Shinshi muttered out of nowhere. "She thinks he's cute."

The room was silent.

"Nick who?" said Noa.

Asuma just turned and faced the wall, crossing his hands behind his head.

For a second, Noa thought she heard Asuma mutter something along the lines of "You can have the jerk if you want…"

"Nick _who_?!" repeated Noa.

* * *

"So _why_ the hell would people make that kind of thing?!" said Ohta, frenetically pacing up and down the hangar floor. "It makes no sense! It's unconscionable! It's _librarious_!"

" _Libelous_ ," said Kumagami, "And there may be a dozen reasons the writer thought it was a good idea. Maybe they're into Patlabors, or maybe they think the characters would work well in that kind of setting?"

"But what about _us_?!" roared Ohta. "I mean, slapping us into a kid's movie?!"

"I'm not sure how much the characters are meant to be us," said Kumagami. "There are noticeable differences – even with the original characters."

"Like what?!"

"Like, my supposed analogue for instance," said Kumagami. "I'm not a Labor fangirl like Lee, that opossum character. That's Izumi's thing."

"Hmmm," Ohta rubbed his chin. "Well, what about mine?"

"What, Hylander, he's…" Kumagami thought about the _Zeeplabor_ character. "He's a hyrax…?"

"…What the hell's a hyrax?!"

Kumagami was about to respond, but her mouth just hung open. "I… don't know…"

* * *

"Okay, so Asuma's Nick Wilde, Hiromi's Clawhauser, Shinshi's the beaver guy, the opossum's Kumagami, Ohta's Hylander…" Noa scrunched up her face as she looked at the ready room's computer. "…and I'm supposed to be the bunny?"

"Basically," said Shinshi.

"I still think you're all reading too much into it," said Asuma, shaking his head. "I mean, look, Benjamin Clawhauser as Hiromi? Come on!"

"I can see him as a cat person," said Noa. "So why not as a cat? Besides, they're both big guys – no offense, Hiromi."

"None taken," said Hiromi, looking over Noa's shoulder.

"It's still too much of a stretch," said Asuma. "I mean, they're both big, but Clawhauser's fat. Hiromi's just… tall!"

"Well, they're both nice guys," said Noa.

"There are a billion different ways to write 'nice guys', Noa," said Asuma. "Besides, I don't see Clawhauser as much of a 'nice guy'."

"Why not?" said Noa.

"Well, he seemed more focused on a stupid app than doing his job."

Noa's brow raised. "Where was _that_ in the fic?"

"Nowhere. It was in the movie," said Asuma.

"Ohhhhh…" Noa murmured.

"You haven't seen _Zootopia_ , Izumi?" said Hiromi.

Noa shrugged. "I don't watch that many Disney movies."

"Oh…" Hiromi seemed disappointed.

"I kinda get what you were saying about Nick, Asuma," said Noa, turning back to the computer. "He's a lot more of a slacker than you are."

" _Thank_ you!" Asuma threw up his hands in exasperation.

"Well, Nick was only trying to _look_ like a slacker so he'd get kicked off the force," said Hiromi.

"Then again, you're both kind of the know-it-all kind of guy…" Noa muttered, languidly eyeing the text on the screen.

"What?!" Asuma suddenly turned Noa's swivel chair around.

"Well, yeah," said Noa, startled by the reaction. "You're both the exposition guys. Nick knows the city and the Labor industry, and you've just about taught me everything there is to know about Labor operations and the different makers since I came here…"

"See, it's a compliment," said Hiromi.

Asuma then stared Noa dead in the eye. "Fishy…" he muttered.

"What?" said Noa.

"How do I know _you_ didn't write this fic?" said Asuma.

"What?!" Noa huffed. "That's bupkis! I just told you I've never even seen _Zootopia_!"

"We only have your word for it," said Asuma. "And that bit about Nick being the 'exposition guy' sounds like it could've been written from personal experience."

"Oh, get real!" said Noa. "Anyway, if I wrote this, I wouldn't have called Unit 1 Robin!"

"What _would_ you have called it, Izumi?" said Hiromi, raising his brow, as Kumagami and Ohta came back in, wondering what 'hyraxes' were.

"What else? Alphonse!" said Noa, whose eyes suddenly went wide. "Hey, wait a minute!"

Noa turned around and began clicking on the screen. "Yeah, see here? 'Alphonse' was one of the names floated for Robin back in 'Robin of Foxley'!" she said.

"You're right!" said Shinshi, suddenly pushing Asuma out of the way to look at the screen. "It _had_ to be someone on the inside!"

" _Or_ it could be someone who saw that 'Alphonse' was _painted on Unit 1's collar_!" Asuma grumbled. "Like I said, it could be a patlabor enthusiast."

"So you _don't_ think it's me now?!" grumbled Noa. "Make up your mind!"

"That number includes _our_ patlabor enthusiast…" Asuma then stared at Noa again.

"Oh, _come on_!" groaned Noa.

"Come on, Izumi!" yelled Ohta, shoving Asuma and wheeling Noa around. "You wrote this, didn't you?! Confess, Izumi! Confess! _Confess_!"

"Cripes' sake, you guys!" moaned Noa, recoiling from the smell of Ohta's breath. "I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!"

 _Who does?_ thought Kumagami. "Anyway, what about the setting?"

"What about it?" said Hiromi, ignoring the shouting match developing between Ohta, Noa, and Asuma.

"I think the point of this fic is the setting, not the characters," said Kumagami. "Why do you think they went into so much detail about it in the early chapters?"

"That's a good point…" said Shinshi. "That bit about small mammals being the only ones who could pilot Labors… that reminded me of something the Captain said – 'Labor pilots are like horse jockeys; the smaller they are, the better.'"

"I've heard that too," said Hiromi.

"A _-HA!_ " Ohta dropped his impromptu interrogation of Noa and wheeled on the Shinshi, grabbing the Labor-carrier driver by the collar of his uniform and shaking him like a ragdoll. "If you remember that remark, how do we know _you_ didn't write this fanfrick?! Confess! Confess! _Con-fess_!"

"Ohta…!" Shinshi gasped.

Kumagami groaned. No foxes, bunnies, and whatnot were necessary for _this_ place to become a zoo…

* * *

"You called me over a Disney fanfic?!" Lieutenant Kanuka Clancy of New York's finest grumbled into her phone.

"Well, you _could_ have written it!" said Asuma Shinohara. "The fic's name gives it away! The name _Zeeplabor_ comes from 'Zee-Pee-Dee Patrol Labor'. In Japan, we pronounce it 'Zet'! The name of the fic only works with the _American_ pronunciation of the letter 'Z'!"

"Shinohara…" muttered Kanuka. "Do you know what time it is?"

"Uh… Quarter past 3?"

Asuma was then treated to a barrage of words in both English and Japanese that would have set every sidewalk in the Tokyo _and_ New York metropolitan areas ablaze before Kanuka slammed down the phone at approximately 1:15 AM Eastern Standard Time.

As Kanuka curled up in her bedsheets, she grumbled at the irony that she actually _had_ seen the fanfic her former co-worker was referring to. She honestly didn't see much resemblance between her and Virginia Lee Foxape – that scene in the sparring match with Judy made her seem more like Noa.

Now, Judy Hopps as Noa – or even Ohta – she could understand, but this opossum character as her? She didn't really see it…

* * *

"Don't tell me _you're_ reading it now…" said Captain Kiichi Gotoh of SV2 Division 2, as he saw his colleague, Captain Shinobu Nagumo of Division 1, staring at her computer screen.

"Even my team's talking about it now," Nagumo muttered. "I need to see how this might affect morale around here."

"Fair enough," said Gotoh, reaching over to clip his toenails. "Honestly I think whoever wrote it is just someone with a bit too much time on their hands."

"Gomioka says it's more about your Division than mine," said Nagumo, giving a smirk her colleague's way. "I can see why, what with the parallels."

"Have _you_ seen _Zootopia_?" asked Gotoh.

"I have a niece who's crazy about it," said Nagumo. "You seen it?"

"Can't say I have," said Gotoh, staring at the ceiling. "Should I be worried?"

"Well, Yamazaki's not a fat cheetah who used to serve under me, I'm not a skunk with a husband and kids, and you're not a bull with anger issues, so… I'd say you're good."

Gotoh raised an eyebrow. "Bull with anger issues?"

Nagumo smiled as she let Gotoh chew on that, thinking to herself that Nick Wilde was probably a better match for him in terms of personality.

* * *

"I'm old, Shige, but I'm not deaf," grumbled Chief Mechanic Seitaro Sakaki. "I know you and the others were talking about that fanfiction."

"I-I can't help it, boss!" squawked SV2 mechanic Shiegeo 'Shige' Shiba, turning away from where he was working on Unit 2's leg mechanisms. "Everyone else is!"

"Hmph," Sakaki growled. "What're they saying?"

"They-they're…" Shige hung his head. "They're talking about how we're girls…"

"Girls…?" said Sakaki.

"In the fanfic, I'm a hyena girl and you're a bat woman," Shige murmured, hoping Sakaki wouldn't hear him.

Sakaki snorted behind his sunglasses. "If that's the worst it does, we needn't worry."

"Boss?" said Shige.

"I don't know how right this guy is about me threatening my men on a regular basis, but I'm not gonna-"

Suddenly, alarms began to blare, signifying that a deployment was coming.

"All right, you bums!" roared Sakaki to the sea of mechanics dashing around the building. "I want these Ingrams ready for action _yesterday_! If I catch any of you lolly-gagging, I'll chuck you _all_ the drink!"

* * *

One aggravating deployment later, Division 2 trickled back into the hangar.

"I like to think we handled that _somewhat_ better than _Zeeplabor_ 's guys did that on Okavango Road," said Shinshi as they filed back into the Ready Room. "Maybe a _lot_ better if Ohta hadn't called him a 'dumpster-diving old fart'…"

"That fanfic put me off my game!" grumbled Ohta as he shoved his way in.

"But it was kinda creepy, wasn't it?" said Noa. "The guy in the poor Bulldog wanted pension money just like that raccoon."

"Captain Gotoh said not to think too hard about it," said Asuma.

"Scoot over." Ohta then pushed Asuma aside and began typing into the computer.

Noa ignored him. "Captain Gotoh really should learn a thing or two about reverse psychology then."

"What do you mean?" said Kumagami, tossing her cap onto her desk.

Noa rubbed her head. "After he said not to think too hard about it, I couldn't stop thinking about it!"

"Gah!" Asuma groaned. "Is he messing with our heads again?!"

"What kind of name is a 'dassy'?!" muttered Ohta, looking at the computer screen.

"Dassy?!" said Asuma.

"'Hyraxes, also called dassies, are small, thickset, herbivorous mammals in the order Hyracoidea,'" Ohta read from the Wikipedia page on the monitor. "'Hyraxes are well-furred, rotund animals with short tails.' Rotund?!" Ohta then wheeled on his teammates. "Rotund?! _Is this guy saying I'm fat?!_ "

"Not this again…" groaned Kumagami.

"Still at it, are ya?" Shige walked into the room, carrying maintenance records for Units 1 and 2.

"I think whoever wrote it just picked a hyrax because it's not an animal you see that often in fiction," said Asuma, rolling his eyes. "It's probably a cheap way of making the fic look more unique or something."

"Huh, they're related to elephants…" Noa glanced at the screen.

"How about that…" murmured Shige.

"Case in point, all those other obscure species you see in the story," said Asuma, listing animals off on his fingers. "Genets, markhors, margays, coatis, sand cats… I'd wager the author's a real showoff when it comes to their knowledge of animals."

"So we're looking for an animal-lover?" said Ohta, rubbing his chin. "Izumi! You're a dog _and_ a cat person!"

"Ohta!" grumbled Noa. "I'm not _that_ much of an animal-lover! What about Asuma?!"

"Me?!" sputtered Asuma.

"Why else would the fic go into detail about Labors?!" said Noa, getting out of the chair. "And out of the ones we've seen so far, the Ingram, the Crabman, the Boxer… Shinohara Heavy Industries is the most represented Labor manufacturer in the fic!"

"I always knew it was you, Shinohara!" roared Ohta, shaking Asuma by the collar.

"For crying out loud!" grumbled Asuma. "If I wrote it, I wouldn't make my so-called 'counterpart' the one with the romantic tension!"

"You mean, with this 'Esther' vixen Finnick mentioned in the first 'serial'?" said Kumagami.

"No, with Judy!" groaned Asuma.

"Ha!" Ohta crowed. "You'll have to do better than that, Shinohara! Judy and Nick aren't a couple!"

"Yes, they are!" said Asuma. "Didn't you see them at the end of the movie?!"

"I'm not really sure a fox and a bunny can go together…" said Shinshi.

"See?! He agrees with me!" said Ohta.

"But 'you know you love me'?!" said Asuma, trying to pull himself off of Ohta. "They might as well have driven that cruiser into the sunset together!"

"That was _perfectly platonic_!" shouted Ohta.

"Come on!" said Shige, having decided to cast aside his role as bystander. "The cable car scene proves it! They are _so_ in love!"

"WHY DO PEOPLE ASSUME HAND-TOUCHING MEANS LOVE?!" said Ohta. "LOVE IS… Love is…" Ohta glanced aside. "LOVE IS SOMETHING ELSE! Back me up here, Lieutenant!"

Kumagami opened her mouth to say something, then rubbed her chin. "I wonder…"

"The bridge scene, too!" squawked Shige. "All that was missing there was a kiss!"

"But there _wasn't_ a kiss!" said Shinshi.

As the room erupted in a discussion of whether or not Judy Hopps and Nick Wilde were a couple, the only people not involved were Kumagami, who seemed deep in thought, sweat forming on her brow as she stared at the floor, Noa, who just stood there wondering if it was a good thing or a bad thing she'd never seen _Zootopia_ , and Hiromi, who just sat down at the computer, the only officer of Division 2 other than Kumagami who had not been considered at one point or another as the culprit.

After all, tomato-growing, chicken-cuddling, gentle giant Hiromi Yamazaki would _never_ mean to do something so mean-spirited…

…and he hadn't. He'd meant no malice at all. The whole thing was just a fun thing to do really. Still, an e-mail to his co-author wouldn't hurt…

 **FROM:** hyama@keishicho.jp

 **TO:** bclaw@zpd.gov

 **SUBJECT:** They're onto us…


End file.
